Warning: The following content is intended for a mature audience.
I often hear women say “If I were gay, I’m not allowing a woman to put their hands on me! We’re both women, so we can throw hands.” Okay, let’s start from there. Hearing those words is the reason why I kept the abuse I’ve endured in the past a secret. It brought feelings of shame, embarrassment and loneliness, which made it really difficult for me to speak up about it. Well, when I created this website I made the decision to be very open about the shit no one wants to talk about. There’re enough of us silent. Abuse within the LGBTQ community is REAL and often overlooked. Because of comments like that, most of us choose to stay quiet. I’ll take you along with me in my journey, while highlighting some red flags that those of us who end up in abusive relationships choose to ignore, or just didn’t see it coming. Some of us don’t have the words to express what we feel because of a lack of support or just plain naive. Either way it can happen to anyone, and before you know it you’re a victim of abuse.
It feels so good to be seen, and showered with love and affection. Although I was already getting all that I needed in other areas in my life, this felt extraordinary. It gave me a thrill, and excitement that I wasn’t getting anymore in my daily life. I admit that I can be an adrenaline junkie, which is probably why I felt hypnotized by the appearance of something different. I was happy with my relationship, but I also felt bored with it. It started off by viewing a face book message of a women coming on to me. Now it’s evident that I was currently in a relationship, but this didn’t seem to matter to this girl. I’m intrigued by her boldness. I passively declined her offer. While this should’ve been the end of the conversation between the two of us; she began explaining how she knew my current girlfriend at the time, because my girlfriend was also intimate with a close friend of hers. She went on to say how I deserve better and she felt that I should know. I’ll pause here by saying this was the very first sign of manipulation. I was young and easily manipulated but it can happen to anyone, younger or older. Being that I’d been with my girlfriend at the time for a while, I didn’t believe her right off the back so I asked for proof. She told me to ask my girlfriend about Jane (which was a friend of my girlfriend,) and ask her if she’s ever dealt with Jane sexually. So I asked, and my girlfriend got really defensive. I left the topic alone and continued on with my life, while still keeping constant conversation with the girl in my inbox. I think deep down inside I needed an escape, and I was looking for any reason to exit my seemingly boring relationship. I’ve outgrown my partner, and I didn’t know how to walk away without a drastic reason to leave. While I continued to have secretive conversations with the girl in my inbox, she continued to bash my girlfriend every chance she was given. Me and my partner lived out of state, so when we went back home to visit our family and friends (which is also where the girl in my inbox lived,) she would say things like “I was talking to Jane and she told me your girl came over while ya’ll were in NY, and they Fucked.” I’ll pause here again. This was starting to get convincing to me because while we were in our hometown, we separated and left to be with our own family and friends. I didn’t tell the girl in my inbox that we weren’t sleeping next to each other, so I thought it has to be true otherwise how else she would know she’s not currently next to me. I didn’t know at the time that she had a page following my current girlfriend to clock her every move. Read on, it gets juicier!
At the time I don’t think I cared enough to keep pressuring my girlfriend on the situation, so I ignored her comments and continued to have casual conversation with the girl in my inbox. I began getting threatening random inbox messages from people who would also bash my girlfriend. Looking back now I realize that I started to get really overwhelmed. I was already in a relationship I outgrew, on top of the fact that I felt like I could no longer trust my girlfriend, and now I was being harassed daily. I really just wanted OUT of my relationship at this point. So I decided to meet up with the girl in my inbox. It wasn’t a tough decision for me to make because she was acquainted with a lot of my family members, and also some of my friends. We grew up in the same area, so we had a lot in common, so I didn’t feel skeptical about meeting her. She invited me to a small get together that her friend was having, so me and my cousin at the time hopped in the cab and went together. The first time I met her it was ALL connection. I was so attracted to her, and it was easy to feel comfortable with her because of the familiarity; she knew almost everyone I grew up with so we had so much to talk about. Pause: This is where all the signs started to come in, and I ignored them. Note to Readers- Don’t ignore the subtle, yet alarming feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when something doesn’t feel right. After meeting her, our conversation grew intensively. The second time I went to meet her she offered to pay my cab to her house to hang out. Everything about hanging with her felt exciting. When I arrived to her house she handed me gifts; designer jackets and also a few hundreds. She told me she just wanted to give me something for my time, and also she thought I deserved it. Pause: TOTAL RED FLAG!
I’m not going to lie and say that this didn’t seem unsettling to me, but blinded by the money I chose to ignore it, and continued hanging with her. Now I won’t go into details on how she was getting the money, but I will say that I was attracted to the lifestyle. We got drunk, and had a fun night together just hanging with her family. This was the most excitement I’ve had in a while. When I left and went back to my girlfriend, we were growing more and more distant. I finally made the decision to leave my girlfriend, and I moved back home to my hometown. It felt like the very same day that I left my ex is when I ended up blindly falling into another relationship with the girl in my inbox. The next day after leaving my girlfriend, the girl in my inbox offered me comfort. She assured me that I did the right thing. I started to hang out with her more, and the more I hung out with her the more she showered me with gifts. I ate lobster and shrimp for lunch, because anything I wanted she provided for me. I also had a whole new wardrobe because she brought me clothes every time she went shopping for herself. Although the words never left either of our mouths, it felt like we were in a relationship already. Almost as if I was her property and taking care of me was her priority. She was so sweet, and she catered to my every need. I felt safe and loved with her. Everything was happening so fast that before I knew it, I was in another relationship. A relationship that didn’t even make sense to me, but the extravagant lifestyle felt good. It’s like one day I’m enjoying the thrill of meeting someone new, and the next day I was in a relationship with them. That’s literally how fast it happened. Everything was just SO FAST that I couldn’t even make sense of my own feelings. At the time I felt like I didn’t even get the chance to separate my authentic feelings from infatuation. The moment I started to wonder if I should slow down, she sensed my hesitation and blinded me with more and more gifts, money, and whatever else I wanted. Although it all happened so quickly, I was still enjoying the thrill of easy money and great sex. Until one day I met a total stranger, but his time the stranger didn’t appear in my inbox. She was within the same girl who showered me with gifts, love and affection; but she wasn’t the girl I met. She had a totally new face, and her eyes were unrecognizable. Who is this person, and how did she appear so fast? It was like a switch went off and now I was sitting across from a demon. What happens next is the beginning of the worst moments of my life.
Stay Tuned for part II of the “THE GIRL IN MY INBOX” where I take you along with me and my journey. Subscribe for weekly updates.