Weeks have gone by and justice and I have grown closer. Our friendship has blossomed spending every waking moment with each other. Justice began telling me that she’s tired of being in her line of work, so she saved enough money to pick up and move out of state. I was happy for her. Justice had a tough childhood dealing with absent parents, and growing up in foster care. My emphatic ways felt every inch of pain she harbored beneath her tough exterior. Every time I looked into her eyes I saw pain; a long stream of disappointment, and loneliness. Her lifestyle drew me to her, but her tainted perception of the world kept me interested in helping her paint a different perspective. I thought I could introduce her to a new way of seeing things. I’ve always had a passion for helping people, and she was thus far my biggest challenge. Looking back now, I was naive for thinking I could alter the perception of someone who’s seen more than I’ve ever imagined, and not get caught in the rage of fire. Even though Justice had a tough upbringing she was still the softest person I’ve ever known. Beyond the tough exterior resided a girl who loves wholeheartedly. Someone who I could laugh and joke with all day and night, and not grow tired of; we were inseparable. The closer we grew, the more she let me into her world. It wasn’t about her lifestyle anymore; it was about HER. I was rapidly falling for the sensitive girl underneath the exterior. There were two sides of Justice that I knew about at the time; the side she presented to the world, and the sweet side she presented to me. I understood that her way of operating in this cruel world is by putting up a wall, so that nothing gets in and nothing gets out. I always felt bad for her because she was too young to feel this way. It was like her past has robbed her of her childhood, and the ability to trust. Me on the other hand, I was always such a free spirit. We were complete opposites, and no one could believe we even ended up being friends. I think Justice was attracted to my free flowing personality as I was attracted to her boundaries. All I wanted to do was break down those walls so that the world can see how beautiful the girl underneath was. Most importantly I wanted Justice to see how beautiful the world IS, and all she had to do is see it through different lenses, as I did. That’s what happens when you’re happy; you want to share it with the world. Although I was carefree, no one warned me of the dangers of carrying someone else baggage. I didn’t realize that trying to revise HER story would only turn her pain into my own. No one warned me that by looking into another person lenses, it would eventually become my own reflection. I was on the path of self destruction by trying to reconstruct someone else.
Justice ended up moving to Boston, and I helped her with her moving process. We were both happy. I remember being on such a natural high, and thinking that things are looking up for her. She got an actual legal job, and we spoke daily. I stayed in NY but it never stopped our communication. She often begged me to move to Boston with her, but I knew that moving in with someone wasn’t a good idea. I decided to visit her instead. When I arrived in Boston I knew from that moment we were going to be more than just friends. We had an infatuation with one another that didn’t disappear with the decision of being just friends. I understood Justice, and she understood me. Everything felt perfect. That same night I arrived to Boston while lying side by side, she told me she loved me. I saw a tear fall from her eye, knowing that those words were difficult for her because it always led to disappointment. I felt the fear in her voice, and the pain surfaced for me to see. That night I saw her soul bare naked like I’ve never seen it before. I fell in love with THAT girl. If I had any doubts of who Justice was, all of those doubts were gone. All I knew in that moment is this is someone I want to love for the rest of my life. I thought I had it all figured out, but I was brutally WRONG. That girl I connected with wasn’t the only one present underneath her exterior. There was a manipulative, angry, pained person hidden waiting for just the right moment to appear. I didn’t revise her story, instead I combined our stories. Her story is now my story.
Months have passed and we are both more in love than we could’ve ever imagined. After a while I decided to stay in Boston with Justice; the long distance relationship started to weigh heavy on the both of us. Besides, I loved Boston! I’ve always loved to travel, so it wasn’t a hard decision for me to make. We made friends out there, and I landed a job as a photographer. Everything was perfect. One night we were both drinking; it was hot and muggy and our central air wasn’t working. The power went out in our entire neighborhood. We both laid there by the window holding on to any little breeze that came flowing in, brushing against our sweaty skin. The heat carried us both into a peaceful state of sleep. Suddenly, I was abruptly awakened by a heavy weight on top of me, and my arm twisted behind my back. I opened my eyes, and to my surprise it was justice. I couldn’t understand what was going on, as I tried pushing her off of me. She had my arm twisted behind me while I was lying flat on my stomach, and she grabbed my thumb to use my fingerprint to unlock my phone. Once she had the phone unlocked she hopped off of me and ran into the bathroom and locked the door. I was shocked. I began banging on the door yelling “GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK PSYCHO!” I was shocked that someone would do such a thing, but my focus was more on the fact that she had my phone unlocked. I was young, and definitely a flirt. I knew that she would see conversations I couldn’t take back. Eventually I gave up trying to get her to open the door, and I went back in the room and waited for her to come back out. I started to think about what she did just to unlock my phone. I was convinced this girl is CRAZY, and once again I needed to leave. Justice came out of the bathroom and threw the phone at me and proceeded to walk out of the house. Although I should’ve thought more about how she obtained my conversations in the first place; my energy went into feeling bad about the conversations she’s read. I knew I’d broken her trust. The trust that was so hard for her to give, because of her past. She was hurting, and I wanted to fix it. She came back in the house and I could tell she had been crying. I hugged her, and consoled her letting her know how sorry I was for what she’d read. It was weird because in that moment, although she forgave me right away, something switched in her eyes. They went dark like a light went out. I saw pain, and anger all at once. I wasn’t thinking rationally because instead of thinking about WHO is this person who nearly broke my arm to get into my phone; I thought about the pain I caused her. I felt like this is my fault, and I have to fix it. Things weren’t the same after that night, and they were never going to be the same. No matter how much love we had between each other, the light in her eyes never came back. I didn’t realize that I would spend months trying to fix something that didn’t start from reading the conversations in my phone. It started from years of trust issues, and disappointments. I didn’t know that I was making myself the target of her pain. I was now the REASON for all that she felt just because of that one incident. I was just like “everyone else” to her. This was the motive that the manipulative, angry, pained person that was hidden underneath needed in order to surface. This was her moment, and she timed it perfectly. I thought it was just a wall I needed to tear down, but it’s much more than that. Her past circumstances has created a monster, and she was living inside of my girlfriend.
STAY TUNED FOR PART IV OF “THE GIRL IN MY INBOX”
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