PMDD DIARY CONTINUED…

Photo by fotografierende from Pexels

iT robbed me of my dignity and poured gallons of shame all over my face. iT paraded around my space as if iT had ownership. I displayed my trophies in the most dignified way, so that anyone who looked my way can see the joy, love, and compassion on display. iT took my biggest accomplishments and tucked them away in a dark closet, where not even I could see the light of day.

A beautiful summer

I’ve had many summers, but none like this one. I had more barbecues than I could count. I landed a job that allows me to have 4 days off every week; and the best part is, absolutely NO PMDD SYMPTOMS. Three months of regular functioning hormones, and normal energy levels. Three months of PURE BLISS. Three months, but that’s it. Time once again has fooled me into thinking good things can last forever. Just like the seasons; everything shall pass. This moment right here, enjoy it because you only have it right now—-FOR NOW. I was blessed with three months filled with moments that a normal functioning person could easily take for granted. Time loved me so much that it paused for three whole months. I guess the universe sensed my weariness and pulled the emergency brakes. We ended up stranded in the most beautiful place where everything was green. We stayed there for three months; just me, my universe and time.

But it was a matter of time before iT would find us. iT had to be frustrated because iT had no one to take its anger out on. iT must’ve searched and searched tirelessly looking for me. Well iT found me; and iT was angry.

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Press Play

Every season shall pass and my summer was coming to an end. Someone pressed play and now here we are. It’s amazing how summer can make you forget how the cold brutal winter nights felt. The naked trees and grey skies. The dried up soil that use to hold beautiful layers of green life, suddenly can be mistaken for a graveyard. The unforgiving ice cold air that stiffens and drains your hair of the natural life it was given. The world around us becomes colorless like a black and white motion picture. Even our skin loses its natural melanin glow; which in return leaves us lifeless like zombies who’ve just arose.

because someone pressed play…

Winter has come; well, at least in my world. The ugly face of rage pressed play and made me pay for the three months I was away. iT picked me up and dumped me in the middle of nowhere. iT took my soul and left me feeling lifeless, with rage and sadness as my only company. iT was back and even more relentless than I remember iT being. iT left me with cloudy grey skies, and a fog that prevented me from forming rational thoughts. iT puked hate all over my love ones and shame all over my face. iT was back.

How could I have been fooled? Why did I assume that I could be a normal functioning human being when I share my existence with an less than normal creature. PMDD carries its own weight, therefore having its own identity. I’m nothing more than the soul that has been snatched and placed in a cage witnessing brutal attacks. I watch from a distance, but close enough to feel the pain of the victim who receives the abuse. Although iT isn’t a threat to anyone physical being; its venomous words and cold stature causes pain and discomfort to anyone who enters into its vicinity. iT came back and reminded me that I’m the prisoner. Three months of never calling out of work;being the best girlfriend, daughter, friend, and aunt I could be. Three months of freedom and warmth. Now that I know what that feels like; my search for relief continues. Time has given me the gift of remembrance. I remember what it feels like to be free of the symptoms of PMDD. For three months, I remembered.

Love, ELLiE

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