iT robbed me of my dignity and poured gallons of shame all over my face. iT paraded around my space as if iT had ownership. I displayed my trophies in the most dignified way, so that anyone who looked my way can see the joy, love, and compassion on display. iT took my biggest accomplishments and tucked them away in a dark closet, where not even I could see the light of day.
A beautiful summer
I’ve had many summers, but none like this one. I had more barbecues than I could count. I landed a job that allows me to have 4 days off every week; and the best part is, absolutely NO PMDD SYMPTOMS. Three months of regular functioning hormones, and normal energy levels. Three months of PURE BLISS. Three months, but that’s it. Time once again has fooled me into thinking good things can last forever. Just like the seasons; everything shall pass. This moment right here, enjoy it because you only have it right now—-FOR NOW. I was blessed with three months filled with moments that a normal functioning person could easily take for granted. Time loved me so much that it paused for three whole months. I guess the universe sensed my weariness and pulled the emergency brakes. We ended up stranded in the most beautiful place where everything was green. We stayed there for three months; just me, my universe and time.
But it was a matter of time before iT would find us. iT had to be frustrated because iT had no one to take its anger out on. iT must’ve searched and searched tirelessly looking for me. Well iT found me; and iT was angry.
Every season shall pass and my summer was coming to an end. Someone pressed play and now here we are. It’s amazing how summer can make you forget how the cold brutal winter nights felt. The naked trees and grey skies. The dried up soil that use to hold beautiful layers of green life, suddenly can be mistaken for a graveyard. The unforgiving ice cold air that stiffens and drains your hair of the natural life it was given. The world around us becomes colorless like a black and white motion picture. Even our skin loses its natural melanin glow; which in return leaves us lifeless like zombies who’ve just arose.
because someone pressed play…
Winter has come; well, at least in my world. The ugly face of rage pressed play and made me pay for the three months I was away. iT picked me up and dumped me in the middle of nowhere. iT took my soul and left me feeling lifeless, with rage and sadness as my only company. iT was back and even more relentless than I remember iT being. iT left me with cloudy grey skies, and a fog that prevented me from forming rational thoughts. iT puked hate all over my love ones and shame all over my face. iT was back.
How could I have been fooled? Why did I assume that I could be a normal functioning human being when I share my existence with an less than normal creature. PMDD carries its own weight, therefore having its own identity. I’m nothing more than the soul that has been snatched and placed in a cage witnessing brutal attacks. I watch from a distance, but close enough to feel the pain of the victim who receives the abuse. Although iT isn’t a threat to anyone physical being; its venomous words and cold stature causes pain and discomfort to anyone who enters into its vicinity. iT came back and reminded me that I’m the prisoner. Three months of never calling out of work;being the best girlfriend, daughter, friend, and aunt I could be. Three months of freedom and warmth. Now that I know what that feels like; my search for relief continues. Time has given me the gift of remembrance. I remember what it feels like to be free of the symptoms of PMDD. For three months, I remembered.
Relationships are hard enough as it is, but dealing with PMDD and building relationships is even tougher. I often refer to those imbalanced moments as my alter ego named “EFFie”, which is just a name that my partner and I came up with to differentiate the two. Now here’s my Truth…
It’s not me, It’s PMDD (PT2)
I’m never myself when experiencing the symptoms associated with PMDD. During that time of the month Effie takes over, while Ellie is stuck in the back seat. I mean I can’t even call shot gun when Effie is driving. She’ll put “crazy” and “irrational” in the passenger seat before she even attempts to let me. Maybe that’s partially because if I get any closer to the bitch; ill be able to grab the wheel and take some control, But nope! I’m the back seat driver that no one listens to in my own damn vehicle, Go figure! Allow me to give you some more insight into our “situationship”.
Emotionally unstable EFFiE
Firstly, there’s two types of Effie. There’s the Nonchalant “I don’t give an Fuck about nothing” Effie; and then there’s the emotionally unstable “I hate everyone around me” Effie. Now before you go labeling me any further than I’ve already been labeled, please LET ME EXPLAIN.Some may call this Bipolar; I wouldn’t disagree with that assumption. Some call it Multiple personality disorder and even that sounds accurate. Some may even go as far as calling her Psycho; again, sounds pretty accurate to me. The only thing that separates Effie from all of these titles is one thing, and one thing only; she only comes around during those times of the month RIGHT BEFORE MY CYCLE. Yup, I have an intruder in my body that seems to have some type of monthly unwritten agreement with whoever decided to allow her inside in the first place. I swear I feel like my body is posted AirBNB; and once a month Effie comes in town for a few weeks, just to fuck shit up and leave.
“I have an intruder in my body that seems to have some sort of monthly unwritten agreement with whoever decided to allow her inside in the first place. ”
Effie even has different vision from Ellie. I (Ellie) have 20/20 vision, but Effie see’s everything in a blur and in only one color, and that color is Red. Red being signified as anger, pain, hate, you name it! She even paints my walls Red! What kind of agreement she has with my body that she’s able to alter shit. There has to be some type of vendor, client rules set in place within this agreement somewhere. Why should I have to clean up HER mess every month? Also someone needs to give this chick Effie some color correcting glasses, because she clearly has vision impairment; every thing she looks at turns red.
“What kind of agreement she has with my body that she’s able to alter shit.”
My mother is about 17 years strong in putting up with Effie; I got to give it to the lady, she’s definitely stronger than I am. Shit I can’t even put up with Effie when she’s in town, which is why I pack my shit and LEAVE! My mother listens to Effie little sly remarks, nods her head and keep it pushing. Whew better her than me; I’m telling you as soon as I know Effie is on the flight on her way in, I’m already settling in somewhere else. I just cannot deal with her intensity. When my mom came and visited one day, Effie had a cigarette burning, a bottle of cognac, a blunt rolled and about 10 pounds of water weight just lingering. This my friend, is emotionally unstable Effie; the Effie that can’t deal with all the different emotions, so she resorts to recreational drugs to attempt to mask the emotions. It never works though; this attempt only ever fools the people who aren’t too close to Ellie, like the ones who I primarily get drunk with and party. Those people would never know the real Effie because she does a good job with hiding her identity behind the booze. Effie only has very few friends, and they’re all honestly my family. I think they just had to learn to accept the fact that I share my existence with this intruder. Now that you have an idea of what Emotionally Unstable Effie looks like, it’s time for you to meet “Nonchalant” Effie.
“I think they just had to learn to accept the fact that I share my existence with this intruder.”
I never know which Effie is coming to visit me; and honestly, sometimes it seems as if they’re both staying here, although they only check in 1 guest when booking. This may sound sort of selfish but I prefer nonchalant Effie over emotionally unstable Effie. See, when Nonchalant Effie is in town it’s a different vibe; she feels, and cares for nothing. She is the true definition of un-bothered, and while this is okay for her and I to deal with; it’s not so much okay from our love ones standpoint. Going to meet nonchalant Effie is like meeting a brick wall in the winter time with frozen icicles hanging off the top of it. You’ll be lucky to get a text message saying “hi” from this Effie, and even that has to be forced. This Effie has more of an awareness of her being absent, although she doesn’t care much; deep down inside she knows that it may effect other people so she forces words out like “HI, or I’m fine” in an attempt to offer some sort of comfort for them during this brutal, cold time. I pray for any new relationships I try to form around the time this Effie is around.
“Going to meet nonchalant Effie is like meeting a brick wall in the winter time with frozen icicles hanging off the top of it.”
My hormones sometimes are so erratic that they have no other choice but to send a message to the brain to shut down certain parts associated with emotions; just to have a sense of order during this time. When that happens, that creates my super power known as nonchalant Effie. I refer to her as my superpower because it’s fucking insane the level of numbness she’s able to achieve; what was once a beautiful flower turns into an unnecessary object that’s taking up space. The only thing that this Effie ever feels good about is food, oh she lovessss food. This is the only commonality all three of us share, aside from sharing the same body. Still, don’t ask this Effie how’s her food. She’ll give you a dry response accompanied by a “Why are you talking to me human?” look on her face. This Effie is cool if you just leave her alone, and act like she doesn’t exist.
Ellie is the bombshell of the crew! She forms all of the meaningful relationships, leaving a beautiful vibrant impression on everything and everyone around her. That’s me, the creator, writer, lively soul who dances to the music in my head while using the pavement as my dance floor. You cannot come into contact with Ellie without your soul being lifted in so many ways. This is who I am, unfortunately I have enemies within. Those enemies are invited in every month, causing confusion to my disoriented and erratic hormones.
“That’s me, the creator, writer, lively soul who dances to the music in my head while using the pavement as my dance floor.”
In conclusion, You never know which Effie you’re getting until you shoot your shot. Go ahead, shoot your best shot. You’ll either miss the shot with nonchalant Effie, or hit the rim and the ball bounces back and knocks you in your face with emotionally unstable Effie. Either way, Ellie comes back home and she’s always ready to patch up any bruises, cuts or damages Effie’s may have caused. Ellie is the reason I’m able to survive these months, she’s stronger than both Effie’s put together because she’s the only rational thinker. Ellie is the only one who was here before the cycle begin, and she’ll be here long after it ends. After all, no matter who’s visiting this will always be MY home. Love,ELLiE